The Five Point

The Snob and expert banjo juggler, Fred Young / Tristan Burley, Professional elf,

3124 Main Street

(604) 876-5810

Oh, Five Point, I love you hard, hard, hard. This is the sweet little pub across the street from my residence that has been a good local beer/burger provider to me over the past few months.

Fred (see previous post) and his roommate and long time friend, Tristan Burley, joined me on this particular carnivorous foray... I have taken to sleeping to three and then eating burgers and drinking beer at the Point...excellent lifestyle, I know.
THE BURGER: Yum. It is pretty good. I have had this burger countless times, so it has varied from cooked to crumbly shit to yummy moist tenderness. It comes with a tangy tomato chutney, garlic mayo and A PICKLE (that was not your imagination) and a seasoned sog barrier. You guys this burger is very, very good. Add the apple smoked cheddar for the $2.50...totally worth it.

My Rating: I give the Five Point 3 Points out of Five.

Aaaaaaaaaand...she's back.

GUEST PARTICIPANT AND CHAMPION YOYOER, FRED YOUNG.

Me shooting guns (nothing to do with burgers) Jill drinking, Fred burning

The Charlatan

1447 Commercial Dr, Vancouver

Tel: (604) 253-2777

Hey there. I am back and ready to eat a lot of beef. As mentioned in my last post, I have been dealing with a bum leg for some time now but am feeling up to getting burgers in me and the rippin' zem to peices. I am going to make a confession: there is a bitter sweet aspect to reviewing a good burger. It's funnier when I can crap on stuff. Well, guess what? This is not one of these times.

Soooo....For some reason me and this guy I got, Frederick Roger Allan Edward Duncan Young - or something along those lines - keep ending up at the Charlatan on Sunday afternoons, 

The Charlatan is fairly new to the Drive and that means it's got bring it strong to survive. It's a pretty sweet little pub with a killer patio, nice willow tree hanging over head and a social set up, great people watching...oh and double Caesars on Sunday! 

So, zthee burger: Hey, what's one of the most important burger tenants? RATIO RATIO RATIO. God-fuking-damnit...why do people not get this? Ok, yes the patties were made in-house, and yes there was both a pickle and a sog barrier. Cheese and mushrooms were a buck extra...que?  Oh well. But - and you know this - the MUST be a decent pattie to bun ratio.  The pattie was the size of an Amazonian fruit bat (they're small) and the bun was as big as Britney Spears' dog Bit Bit (it's still small but much larger than the Amazonian fruit bat).  This made me so upset that I smashed a beer bottle over my head that I stole from the neighboring table...tore the vinyl off my stool with my teeth and made Fred cry. Actually, I just imagined myself doing all of that and then bottled up all of my bad feelings for a rainy day when I can go postal. The burger was not actally half bad after I scrapped off and obscene amount of mayo off). There was a nice anis flavoring going on but a bit of over-kill on the cayen pepper. It was kinda dry but the cheese and shrooms compensated nicely. I love mediocre Sunday lunches.

My rating: Fruit bats taste pretty good when you smush them between an alchoholic Chiuaua with signs og animal abuse.

OMG, Yah - that hurt.

So the pics should explain it all...

I did something supremely stupid. Jumped off a 40 foot cliff and hit the rocks before the water. Double compound fracture to the tibia and fibula (read: snapped some bones that clacked around outside my skin...yum!). So, that's my excuse for not updateing the blog...back on top of me game in no time. If you see a chick in a wheelchair maowing on a burger in Van...that's me kids.

Heart u.

The BS

The Templeton

1087 Granville Street (604) 685-4612

So, firstly, I must apologize for the lateness of this update. I have since been on hiadus - aka- on burger relief.
Sooooooooooooooooooooo, the Templeton. An apparent diner institution that I often get asked about. Well, after a weekend of trauma, myself and some of the buds hit the spot. We had tried to do the Raccoon Party, very unsucsessfully and were in need of a serious burger. Tom, Emily, Chris Miller, Dave Bestwick, Dave Walker and Jen Summers were all in attendence.

This place is pretty kitchy and the waitresses are...um... inattentive? Yup. Weeeeelllllllllllllll, Its all 'i'm the Fonz and I drank too much so Fuck you, whoooore' and all 'ya dude, we're pretending it's the fifties but we're gonna act like depressed grunge kids' and 'fuk u i suk at serving so go fuk yer self, alright...GOD!' Yup pretty nice....anyway.
The Burger: It was 100% organic beef, served with mush and onionion (fer extra...boo), had a sog barrier, yippee and a fukin' pickle. An all-round good burger...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Caesar salad was bangin' with homemade croutons...yumm. BUT - and this is the folie of organic shit - dry as FUK! It was pink but dry as Nicole Richie's fat deposits (omg gross - I just puked a little). But not the best burger as everyone keeps saying. It was Yum but not ....."someone pick me up off this dirty floor "Yum.

My Rating: Was this burger made 57 years ago or am I just eating a starved, abused ostridge?

Feenie's

2563 Broadway West
www.feenies.com


The snob hard at work with Guest Reviewer (and avid potter) Mr. David Walker

Our waiter, Paul

My 'mmmmmggg...that a good frigin burger' face

Oh, Feenie's you got a rep and I have to ignore it...gotta stay impartial...and I will. Feenie's is a great place...really...um...red. Nice sidewalk patio, a la francais, with crisp white linen tablecloths, perfect for dripping burger juice all over.
So, it was Sunday and Mr. Walker (who was present at 'My Shame') and I decided to head over to the much-talked about Feenie's. Ya ya, I know Iron Chef 2005, "quite possible the best chef in Canada", 47 of Canada's top 50...whatever - get over yourself, Feenie.
So, Dave and I ordered a beer, The Backhand of God, really yummy stout for too high a price. But that's what you get when Rob "Shitty White Spot Commercial" Feenie designs yorr food. But an excellent beer nonetheless.
The Buger: Naturally, Dave and I ordered the Feenie Burger ($16). 100% certified Angus beef, normally served medium with cheddar cheese, sauteed mushrooms and bacon. For an extra $25.00 you can add seared foie gras (which is silly and pretentious), or for an extra $8.00 you can add short ribs (yum...double cow!!), or poutine for $3.00 - good deal if you ask me. To start they bring out a nice array of condiments ketchup, dijon, and herb garlic and spicy mayos (which had been left out to long, judging by that nasty glaze on top - at least have the forethought to stir it up a bit). ANYWAY
So, this is one thing that really did impress me: THEY CAN DO THE BURGER MEDIUM RARE!!!  WTF, you say? Yes, it can be done. The burger came and I was so pumped to get my Feenie on, expecting an explosion of beef juice, cheese drippings and general heavenliness. Well, it was good. It did not come medium rare, however, but juicy nonetheless and ya it was a kick ass burger...yum. BUT this is Feenie's burger that I just paid $16 bucks for. Cheddar cheese? Come on give me some edam or emental...frig Goat would have been awesome. Nope. Just orange Canadian cheddar and regular mushrooms, no shitake or oyster mushrooms. Regular bun (but toasted). But for that price I want it hand-made with the yeast of angels. It was a great burger...don't get me wrong but for the price? I've had way better...The Black Frog Burger blew it out of the water and that only cost me $10. And plus the salad dressing that came on my wimpy mesculine salad was over oiled and had WAY too much vinegar...didn't eat the salad.
I'm not being a crusty bitch just cuz he's so well reputed and needs to be brought down a notch - cuz he doesn't, he deserves all of his favorable reviews...As one of the better Vancouver restaurants, I've got to expect a lot..So, whatever Feenie, you ain't all that.
However, Dave's poutine is another story...it was frigin great! Homemade gravy, real fromage en grain, super good fries...so hats off to the poutine.
Dave, we must do this again sometime...

My Rating: I'm coming back for the gold shavings that should have been on my burger.

Hennessy Dining Lounge

53 West Broadway
Vancouver

I almost did this to the burger...

Well, this review was unplanned and on the spot...I kinda walked into it. So, I am doing PR for a new indie film coming out called Wannabe Macks by Blockknocker Productions. I was meeting with executive producers Brad Patterson and Mersad Khatami at Mersads restaurant Hennessy. We ended up discussing strategy over 2 of my favorite things...burgers and beer...but you all know that.

So, the burger: The Hennessy Brandy Burger...ok, these guys know what's up with burgers. Served on grilled ciabatta, with deep fried onions, crispy bacon and the regs, this burger is so well executed. And here's why. Their patties are made in house by their new chef, Robert Hedley, and - this is amazing - the patties are simmered in brandy, then brushed with more brandy and then broiled. It was like sex...except sex is better...But this was pretty close. These guys really know how to get on my good side and I was deeply impressed. Go...this place has great atmosphere, great tap selection and killer burgers. Nice job guys.

My rating: This is not just any other one night stand...i'm coming back for more, ya heard?

Brown's Social House (Kits location)

2296 W 4th Ave, Vancouver, BC, Vancouver
Tel: 604-733-2420
http://www.brownsrestaurantbar.com

I am sad. I had some great pics of my dinner at Brown's, and even some video but they were un-uploadable. I'm working on it people.

So, Brown's Social House is a great place to hang out, drink martinis and eat deep-fried mini lobster shells (WTF?). Great atmosphere, superior service and a decent menu. They have chosen to take 4 thinks and do them well. Rice bowls, salads, steaks and burgers. Most restaurants do very well with this concept, but Brown's missed the mark. It is incohesive and confusing. Their steak section overwhelms all else rendering them steakhouseesque. And well lets just say that if you are going specifically do four things well...they had all better be otherworldly.

The Burger: So I had the Hollywood Burger but there was little 'hollywood' about it. I guess that the fact that it had 'American' cheese (read plastic cheese) was supposed to make it 'hollywood' but seriously...that is a really lame effort. AND to top it off all of the other burgers had craptastic cheese on it as well. The waitress politely told us that the chef thought it melted better. THAT IS BULLSHIT. WHAT KIND OF CHEF ARE THEY USING? A 17 YEAR OLD FRY STATION VETERAN OF BURGER KING?Whatever...
So the patty. This was a shocker. When I asked the waitress what cut of meat they used she was like 'the regular stuff'. OK. This is where my anger starts to free flow. They have top quality steaks but they use the regular stuff to make the burger?? I then asked her if they were made in house and omg, get this...she says "No. I've seen the box". When I regained consciousness I decided that I still needed to go through with it. And I did.
The presentation was cute, I have to say. It came in this little fast food wrapper, which I did enjoy. The burger was good for what it was: FAST FOOD. If I wanted a Big Mac I would have gone to McDonald's. DISAPPOINTING. It even had shredded iceberg lettuce and some special sauce...I know they thought they were being kitsch but there is nothing else on the menu to suggest even a vague theme. I just did not get it. I hate it when burgers play mind games... So I concentrated on my beer and my beer, and my beer some more. DONE.

My rating: I wish I could drink at MacDonald's...It would have been cheaper.