Diva at the Met

Diva at the Met

645 Howe Street,Vancouver, BC

604.602.7788

www.metropolitan.com/diva

This, like the previous post, is a breed of a different kind. I call this 'The Splurger'. The single most expensive burger I have encountered. It sounds dumb, I know...who would spend that much on the burger? Well, besides myself, apparently three diners , none other than the insipid Emily Oja, the magnanimous Thomas Kuzma and the only man that is willing to put up with me at the moment, Frederick Young (seriously, I'm a total mess. It's a wonder I know what pants are).

Diva at he Met, the Vancouver Metropolitan Hotel restaurant, if pretty much the epitome of pretension, if you're 4, 20-somethings dressed like they have embraced Skid Row (yes, we have standards). It's a nice Saturday afternoon. Thomas has donned his clip-on bow tie and Fred is vowing to embarrass me as much as humanly possible cuz he 'hates dates' and 'organized outings' (oh ya, he's a keeper). This is going to be fun.

Besides a few Japanese business men and some obese Americans we are the only others in the restaurant. I'm really glad I made reservations.

We all know why we are there but didn't really take into account how much it would cost to get drunk at this place. Well, its a lot. Whatever, marts all around.

I went into this experience thinking that this burger would be over-kill. My former colleagues at the CFS got me a gift certificate for my birthday to Diva just to make love to this burger. To caress it, kiss it's bosom, make it feel like the only burger in the world. They know me so well. I have waited this long (since June 13) to feel this burger. With seared foie gras, truffle aoli, wild mushroom ragout, short ribs and oh-so pleasure-inspiring rutabaga, lotus root chips, I thought it would be over-load...too much of a good thing...and to be frank, over-kill. Just too much to be burger-worthy. Too much meat, too much richness...too much mamby-pamby.

I WAS WRONG.

I know this is crude, but I creamed myself. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I've only had a couple orgasms that top this. You think I'm joking. Please send an email to request the video records.

If you have $36 to waste on Shangrila, NOW IS THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

My rating: Its sensual, it's balanced, its unlike any meat experience you have ever had. I crave its soft touch every day of my life. Diva you are my life-partner, my one-and-only, my Everest. 

A Day at the Tracks

David , Fred and Tom analyzing thier 'system'

Oh Yah, Oja

Yum...diseased meat.

The Hasting Race Tracks

This review is a bit different from previous entries. I went into this one knowing full well that this burger was going to be puke-worthy. Ah yes, the concession stand burger. The demise of many an American baseball and football fan. The most likely to induce runs at the carnival. Oh, beer league...it wasn't the beer that made me vomit in your boyfriend's lap...it was your old friend the concession stand burger. You know the one, it comes in red and white checkered wax paper. The patty is 4 millimeters thick and the bun has soaked up what must be years of flat-grill grease, gristle and unknown animal fat.

On this sunny, early fall Saturday, myself, Emily Oja, Thomas Kuzma, Frederick Young and David Bestwick decided to go loose some well-earned money at the tracks. The boys seemed to think that they had a 'system', something to do with stats. Em and I bet on the horses with the pretty colours and funny names. I think the horse that lost me my five bucks was named Rx Prescription. He must have been high. Fucking dopers.

In any case, it was delightful afternoon that saw us win a group total of $6.75. And, I got to experience the ever popular concession.

Here is the theory that Emily and I came up with: Old, lame horses do not get put out to pasture; they are laid to rest at the concession stand. Seriously, I have no idea what that meat was but it was not beef. Possibly skunk, as Vancouver is over-run with the pungent rodent. Hell if I know. But, in all reality, I never expected it to be good. Just greasy, sloppy and possibly life threatening. Emily is still recovering from her botchulism.

My rating: If you want to make your stomach sad...eat at the tracks.

The Five Point

The Snob and expert banjo juggler, Fred Young / Tristan Burley, Professional elf,

3124 Main Street

(604) 876-5810

Oh, Five Point, I love you hard, hard, hard. This is the sweet little pub across the street from my residence that has been a good local beer/burger provider to me over the past few months.

Fred (see previous post) and his roommate and long time friend, Tristan Burley, joined me on this particular carnivorous foray... I have taken to sleeping to three and then eating burgers and drinking beer at the Point...excellent lifestyle, I know.
THE BURGER: Yum. It is pretty good. I have had this burger countless times, so it has varied from cooked to crumbly shit to yummy moist tenderness. It comes with a tangy tomato chutney, garlic mayo and A PICKLE (that was not your imagination) and a seasoned sog barrier. You guys this burger is very, very good. Add the apple smoked cheddar for the $2.50...totally worth it.

My Rating: I give the Five Point 3 Points out of Five.

Aaaaaaaaaand...she's back.

GUEST PARTICIPANT AND CHAMPION YOYOER, FRED YOUNG.

Me shooting guns (nothing to do with burgers) Jill drinking, Fred burning

The Charlatan

1447 Commercial Dr, Vancouver

Tel: (604) 253-2777

Hey there. I am back and ready to eat a lot of beef. As mentioned in my last post, I have been dealing with a bum leg for some time now but am feeling up to getting burgers in me and the rippin' zem to peices. I am going to make a confession: there is a bitter sweet aspect to reviewing a good burger. It's funnier when I can crap on stuff. Well, guess what? This is not one of these times.

Soooo....For some reason me and this guy I got, Frederick Roger Allan Edward Duncan Young - or something along those lines - keep ending up at the Charlatan on Sunday afternoons, 

The Charlatan is fairly new to the Drive and that means it's got bring it strong to survive. It's a pretty sweet little pub with a killer patio, nice willow tree hanging over head and a social set up, great people watching...oh and double Caesars on Sunday! 

So, zthee burger: Hey, what's one of the most important burger tenants? RATIO RATIO RATIO. God-fuking-damnit...why do people not get this? Ok, yes the patties were made in-house, and yes there was both a pickle and a sog barrier. Cheese and mushrooms were a buck extra...que?  Oh well. But - and you know this - the MUST be a decent pattie to bun ratio.  The pattie was the size of an Amazonian fruit bat (they're small) and the bun was as big as Britney Spears' dog Bit Bit (it's still small but much larger than the Amazonian fruit bat).  This made me so upset that I smashed a beer bottle over my head that I stole from the neighboring table...tore the vinyl off my stool with my teeth and made Fred cry. Actually, I just imagined myself doing all of that and then bottled up all of my bad feelings for a rainy day when I can go postal. The burger was not actally half bad after I scrapped off and obscene amount of mayo off). There was a nice anis flavoring going on but a bit of over-kill on the cayen pepper. It was kinda dry but the cheese and shrooms compensated nicely. I love mediocre Sunday lunches.

My rating: Fruit bats taste pretty good when you smush them between an alchoholic Chiuaua with signs og animal abuse.

OMG, Yah - that hurt.

So the pics should explain it all...

I did something supremely stupid. Jumped off a 40 foot cliff and hit the rocks before the water. Double compound fracture to the tibia and fibula (read: snapped some bones that clacked around outside my skin...yum!). So, that's my excuse for not updateing the blog...back on top of me game in no time. If you see a chick in a wheelchair maowing on a burger in Van...that's me kids.

Heart u.

The BS

The Templeton

1087 Granville Street (604) 685-4612

So, firstly, I must apologize for the lateness of this update. I have since been on hiadus - aka- on burger relief.
Sooooooooooooooooooooo, the Templeton. An apparent diner institution that I often get asked about. Well, after a weekend of trauma, myself and some of the buds hit the spot. We had tried to do the Raccoon Party, very unsucsessfully and were in need of a serious burger. Tom, Emily, Chris Miller, Dave Bestwick, Dave Walker and Jen Summers were all in attendence.

This place is pretty kitchy and the waitresses are...um... inattentive? Yup. Weeeeelllllllllllllll, Its all 'i'm the Fonz and I drank too much so Fuck you, whoooore' and all 'ya dude, we're pretending it's the fifties but we're gonna act like depressed grunge kids' and 'fuk u i suk at serving so go fuk yer self, alright...GOD!' Yup pretty nice....anyway.
The Burger: It was 100% organic beef, served with mush and onionion (fer extra...boo), had a sog barrier, yippee and a fukin' pickle. An all-round good burger...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Caesar salad was bangin' with homemade croutons...yumm. BUT - and this is the folie of organic shit - dry as FUK! It was pink but dry as Nicole Richie's fat deposits (omg gross - I just puked a little). But not the best burger as everyone keeps saying. It was Yum but not ....."someone pick me up off this dirty floor "Yum.

My Rating: Was this burger made 57 years ago or am I just eating a starved, abused ostridge?

Feenie's

2563 Broadway West
www.feenies.com


The snob hard at work with Guest Reviewer (and avid potter) Mr. David Walker

Our waiter, Paul

My 'mmmmmggg...that a good frigin burger' face

Oh, Feenie's you got a rep and I have to ignore it...gotta stay impartial...and I will. Feenie's is a great place...really...um...red. Nice sidewalk patio, a la francais, with crisp white linen tablecloths, perfect for dripping burger juice all over.
So, it was Sunday and Mr. Walker (who was present at 'My Shame') and I decided to head over to the much-talked about Feenie's. Ya ya, I know Iron Chef 2005, "quite possible the best chef in Canada", 47 of Canada's top 50...whatever - get over yourself, Feenie.
So, Dave and I ordered a beer, The Backhand of God, really yummy stout for too high a price. But that's what you get when Rob "Shitty White Spot Commercial" Feenie designs yorr food. But an excellent beer nonetheless.
The Buger: Naturally, Dave and I ordered the Feenie Burger ($16). 100% certified Angus beef, normally served medium with cheddar cheese, sauteed mushrooms and bacon. For an extra $25.00 you can add seared foie gras (which is silly and pretentious), or for an extra $8.00 you can add short ribs (yum...double cow!!), or poutine for $3.00 - good deal if you ask me. To start they bring out a nice array of condiments ketchup, dijon, and herb garlic and spicy mayos (which had been left out to long, judging by that nasty glaze on top - at least have the forethought to stir it up a bit). ANYWAY
So, this is one thing that really did impress me: THEY CAN DO THE BURGER MEDIUM RARE!!!  WTF, you say? Yes, it can be done. The burger came and I was so pumped to get my Feenie on, expecting an explosion of beef juice, cheese drippings and general heavenliness. Well, it was good. It did not come medium rare, however, but juicy nonetheless and ya it was a kick ass burger...yum. BUT this is Feenie's burger that I just paid $16 bucks for. Cheddar cheese? Come on give me some edam or emental...frig Goat would have been awesome. Nope. Just orange Canadian cheddar and regular mushrooms, no shitake or oyster mushrooms. Regular bun (but toasted). But for that price I want it hand-made with the yeast of angels. It was a great burger...don't get me wrong but for the price? I've had way better...The Black Frog Burger blew it out of the water and that only cost me $10. And plus the salad dressing that came on my wimpy mesculine salad was over oiled and had WAY too much vinegar...didn't eat the salad.
I'm not being a crusty bitch just cuz he's so well reputed and needs to be brought down a notch - cuz he doesn't, he deserves all of his favorable reviews...As one of the better Vancouver restaurants, I've got to expect a lot..So, whatever Feenie, you ain't all that.
However, Dave's poutine is another story...it was frigin great! Homemade gravy, real fromage en grain, super good fries...so hats off to the poutine.
Dave, we must do this again sometime...

My Rating: I'm coming back for the gold shavings that should have been on my burger.